Day 158: Peeing on the side of a highway

I want to give a shout-out to my brother, Jon, who inspired me to do this with his own roadside bathroom break 2 days ago.

So I’m on my way home from New Hampshire, just me and my sister, Liz, in the car. I went to the bathroom at a Dunkin’ Donuts during the first half of our trip, fully expecting to have to go later. We’re now down to the last hour and a half and I still don’t have to go. So I grab my water bottle and start chugging. I am going to do this, even if I to drown myself in Deer Park water.

I finally tell Liz we can pull over soon, and we start scoping out the side the highway. We found a great spot, but oh wait… there’s already a car pulled over. We keep going, round a bend, and see a service truck on the side, up ahead. Great. There aren’t any cars on the side of the highway for miles, and then in the half mile we decide to pull over, it seems like the whole town has come out for a highway tailgating party!

At last we see a perfect stretch of road: straight, wide sides, and ding ding ding- some forestry along the way. Now, I had originally planned to open both the passenger and back seat door on the side opposite of the highway, providing a little stall, but Liz said that true roadside form would be going into the “woods”.

I looked at all the foliage and then back at Liz. If I get poison ivy, I’m going to make sure she gets it too!

I gingerly make my way down a small, leaf-covered embankment to what seems to be a dried up mucky river and to my right, see a bush that would make excellent privacy. I discovered a bit too late that this “bush” was a clawing monster! Thorns stuck to my entire right side, threatening to rip holes in my clothes. I did not just walk through the green, leafy forest of poison just to lose in a battle against a clawed beast! This sure was no bed of roses. I missed having a porcelain throne.

When I was about to head back to the car, I turned around from my “bathroom” and, in horror, realized that I had been in plain view of a fenced in field. I quickly scanned the premises for life, and thankfully realized I hadn’t been spotted. I fought the beast again, this time more prepared, and was soon making my way back up to the car.

Oh no. The service truck we had seen earlier was pulled up behind our car, its driver talking to my sister. I sent up a silent prayer to the highway bathroom authority, asking that we not get any sort of ticket. Luckily, he was just checking to make sure we didn’t need any help with our car. Phew!

I hopped back in the car and we were back on the road, headed for home in no time. I spent the rest of the trip constantly checking my legs for bumps, spots, or rashes. I still am.

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2 Comments on “Day 158: Peeing on the side of a highway”

  1. Kitty Says:

    Here’s a new one: PA turnpike decided to close their rest stops between Morgantown and 56 miles after Reading (can you hold your pee that long if you have the slightest urge to go at Morgantown?). It was pouring down rain. It’s just me and mom in the car and the pee is building to the point that my back hurt and I swear it was backflushing into my kidneys. There’s no way I’m getting out of the car in the pouring rain. So I quickly ate my sandwich and peed in a ziplock bag in the back seat. Mind you, there was a lot of anxiety about missing, overfilling, etc, so it took me 56 miles to pee and I finished up as mom pulled into the rest stop. Then there was the issue of figuring out how to move the ziplock out from under me because I had the ziplock from in front of and behind my legs- so after 56 miles of squatting, it took all my strength to practice some yoga moves and get the ziplock out from under me without spilling. Peeing on the side of the highway is nothing compared to this. There are some nice patches on the PA Turnpike if you ever want to try it again. Mom just kept on driving by them before we noticed them. Plus it was raining.


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